It’s been a while since I posted and there’s more than a few reasons for this. The title for this entry is based on the classic Star Trek: Deep Space 9 episode, “In the Pale Moonlight”. It’s one of my favourites, where Sisko contemplates just how far he has gone down the rabbit hole, in a monologue to the viewer/computer.
I used to enjoy the camaraderie of getting a gaming group together and running games. I ran ORCEdinburgh for years and setup the Roleplay Haven in Edinburgh, post-Pandemic. But I’ve burnt-out. I no longer have the strength of will to get gamers together and forge communities. Some of it may be the ME/CFS, some of it is a growing sense of middle age/mortality, and a sense of fleeting time. There’s also a certain amount of misplaced resentment over Discord’s gradual erosion of public forum software, something I believe has far better usability. Such forums take time and money to moderate, secure, and maintain. I no longer have the inclination or disposable income to keep it going. I’m no longer Branch Manager for Edinburgh’s RPH, and ORC Edinburgh is being shutdown later this year: the Discord is still active, and the wiki will be moved, though.
Even attending conventions feels like a chore for me: I used to enjoy GMing at them, now the thought just leaves me cold and indifferent. I spend too much time (and money) in the trade hall, don’t play any games (board or RPG), and which much rather be selling stuff or meeting folk who have played my adventures or campaigns. I’d rather be working a stall at a convention than a punter. I don’t have that same sense of fun I had before the Pandemic. If I do go, it’s to catch up with friends and network. I often don’t want to stay the full weekend – or even a full day – unless I have a definite purpose.
Some of this I’m attributing to burn-out. Some to ME/CFS. Some to a mid-life crisis. Even a growing sense of discontent with the way the RPG hobby is going. Society’s current “instant gratification” – binge watches, online subscriber content and Patreons, PDFs, bundles of esoteric RPGs I’ll never read (let alone run or play) – has worn me out.
RPG books are never going to be a bestseller for a games store in contrast to collectible card games or board games, unless they: [a] have a monolithic marketing machine, or [b], an established IP or [c], a physical product that encourages return visits. Most rulebooks now sell out of their print run or wind up on PDF – RPGs encourage gamers to be creative; once the book is out the door there’s often little reason for a return visit if the PDF is available… I remember when the only way to get a book was to order if from a shop or directly – now there’s Amazon and PDF, and the books can be read on tablets/phones.
Even organising pub meets or arranging a gaming session in the increasing number of Edinburgh gaming cafes/pubs leaves me feeling tired. You arrange a game: 4 out of 6 players make it to the first session, or the GM flakes a few sessions in.
Last year I got rid of a massive chunk of my physical RPG collection, giving them away free to a local kid’s gaming group. It didn’t bother me overmuch once I got rid of them, and it’s not the first time I’ve thinned my collection. It did feel good to get some space back, especially once I realised the Edinburgh Roleplaying Archive was not going to be viable.
Sometimes the hard decision is the right decision.
“So I will learn to live with it. Because I can live with it. I can live with it… Computer, erase that entire personal log.”
Despite this somewhat gloomy outlook I am definitely not slowing down (which might be a mistake)! I’m looking forward to getting back into WH40K with a Necron Combat Patrol, and Battletech too. I have plenty of RPG writing assignments to keep me busy, and I’m thinking of getting my old art sketching stuff out of storage, and also have a few new worlds to develop for RPGs.
While I’ve always been a voracious reader, I’m not someone who reads a lot of non-fiction beyond research for writing. I’m trying to read more during my lunch breaks or on the way to work but I’m often too tired – or distracted – the rest of the time.
One of the biggest decisions I’ve made recently were to take reduced hours and a 4-day working week at the day job, which is working well. I’m less tired as a result.
I’ve also decided to begin studying with the Open University part-time for a Bachelor of Laws (Honours) (LLB) next year. It’ll take me a while and I’ve never been to further learning beyond college over 30 years ago… Certain oddities in Scottish Law mean I can’t practice in Scotland without jumping through an additional hoop.